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Saturday, July 28, 2007 at 7:32 pm

my secret

this is going to be a long and serious post.

i'm going to let out my secret, and hopefully at the end of this all, i can move on with my life.

if you're not prepared to know the real chun leong that i am, do NOT continue reading, and better still, never come back to this blog.

-------------------------------------------------

it's about my previous relationship, which i have never revealed much to anybody.

it all started back in january 2003. made a mistake that has since shaped my life. it should have just been a normal "i borrow, i return" thing. yet the desperate guy back in secondary 4 couldn't resist messaging the girl to "make friends" as it is politely known as. and so it began.

we started holding hands sometime during end-feb or early-march. the relationship progressed, though "officially", we only became boyfriend-girlfriend on 26th july 2003. apparently that's because i had not bothered to ask her directly and she never said okay till that day.

the wrongest of the whole wrong thing came on the 2nd of august 2003. we did something that would be the reason why i am still looking back in regret and living with guilt till now. we had sex. and so the relationship continued through our O levels and beyond that.

we broke up on the 10th of may 2004. the relationship was already not on stable ground when her parents was close to finding out about us. they weren't approving of bgr back at that time. so when she called and requested for a break up, both parties broke up crying.

however, we still message and called each other for the immediate period after that day. but soon, i realised that i was happier being on my own as compared to when we were together. i guess i found out that i just prefer someone who is more independent than she was. i had the thinking, and still have it now, that she might take more convincing to realise that we just weren't meant to be. so i decided that perhaps by being cold to her, ignoring her calls, replying her sms-es in a "can't be bothered" manner, she would realise that i no longer love her.

by 2006, we broke off all total contact. she's not even on my friends' list in friendster. people not in my friends' list are not allowed to view my profile, because i didn't want her to be still having any hope of us being together. recently, i've found out that she now has a new boyfriend, and i'm happy for her. but i'm still sorry for what i've done to her, not just emotionally, but physically.

maybe by now you'll be thinking that i'm a bastard who just got together with her to have sex with her, who toyed with her feelings and dumped her aside when i got bored of her. maybe you're right. because i've had that opionion about myself before. and at times, i still feel that way. i really regretted my wrong-doing and i really wished that there is a way for me to forgive myself. apparently i've never done so.

i've been single ever since our break up. there has been people i've liked but i have always stopped short of trying to advance any further because of the guilt. i know the whole world who knew about me and jy was wondering why i did not even confess or try. that's because i was more worried that she might accept me instead of rejecting me. i have no wish to hurt anyone anymore.

i tried to lessen the guilt by joining nchsrcy. to be part of others' life at a stage when it's so easily scarred. to be there to teach them the correct life values that they should have and to be there if they ever need someone to help them through life. but i guess that's never enough a reason for me to forgive myself. i made my first blood donation last year, 2nd august 2006. but so what? it doesn't make me feel any less guilty than before. and this year, i'll be throwing a live grenade on the 2nd of august. maybe if i could, i wish i could just explode together with the grenade. but it involves other people's lives and i have no wish to inplicate them at all.

for this past 3 yrs or more, the person i fear most bumping into on the streets is her. there were a few occasions when i thought i saw her, but it was not. and there was once i really saw her. guess what i did on all those occasions? yes, i turned around immediately and walked off as though i didn't saw her. the guilt, that's what i'm running away from. i'm sorry towards her and i know there's nothing i can do to make it up for her. i really wish i could.

i've never told anyone about all this. the only one who knew about this secret was my jie, and she doesn't know much about it either. i only told her because at that time, i really could not take the stress of the secret being inside me.

so why am i saying all this out right now you might ask. it's because i really do hope to share my past experience with you people who read this so that you all can understand why there was a period when i had the "quote of the month" thing. if the guy involved can be so badly affected by it, what more if you're the girl. also, it's because i am really very tired by the guilt affecting me in my everyday life. it is so affecting me that i'm shaping my life due to it. i hope that by letting you all know about my past, i can stop having to act in front of my friends, that is if you still consider me as one.

i have already left nchsrcy. i no longer have the responsibility as a senior to set a good example. i have restricted my blog to the few of you whom i regard as friends rather than just my red cross juniors. if you feel otherwise, feel free to forget about the cls that you know and just chunk that portion away into somewhere in your mind.


this coming thursday, when that live grenade leaves my palm and goes into the air, i really hope i am able to release more than just the grenade from me.

i hope. 4 years on, a lesson learnt.

that's what i hope....


him

aro tan
chun leong
chen jun liang
penguin
cong cong
cls
hamtARO
2SG CL TAN

MP3 Player from Free Mp3

schools

Townsville Pri
Saint Gabriels' Sec
Singapore Poly
BMTC School 1
School of Infantry Specialists
Engineer Training Institue
Armoured Engineer Training Centre
Nanyang Technological University

affiliations

ALA School of Talents
SGSSRCY
NCHSRCY
Blossom
Danisco
F&N Coca-Cola
Pokka
Paragon Market Place
Apache P2 S1
Charlie P3 S3
ETI - STW P3 S3
ETI - AE P1 S2
38SCE 'A' Coy - Platoon 2
ASTW P2 S4
ATC - AESC 01/09
Anza
Partyworld KTV
SGH VSC 5
SYOG Housekeeping - Grad Hall
WSC - TCS
CCCLR

likes

soccer
mathematics
jay chou
mother nature
reading
using my brain
puma
man utd
italia

kinda dislikes

changes
socialising
singaporeans

life logics

keep walking - johnnie walker

i think, therefore i am.

everything happens for a reason.

a child owes his parents everything.

there is no forever, no eternal either.

His 2011

6th Jan - Rou Hui & Amy Bday
6th Jan to 11th Jan - Family TW trip
12th Jan - Rena Bday
16th Jan - Yun Shan Bday
24th Jan - Jia Sheng Bday
28th Jan - Edmund Bday
30th Jan - Eileen Tan Bday
6th Feb - Christopher Bday
14th Feb - Yong Jie Bday
15th Feb - Katie Bday
17th Feb - Felix Bday
19th Feb - You Qiang Bday
22th Feb - Leslie Bday
27th Feb - NTUC U-Run 2011
28th Feb - Yiyang Bday
4th Mar - Yong Guang Bday
11th Mar - Hong Xi & Kar Mun Bday
27th Mar - Liang Jimm Bday
4th Apr - Samuel Bday
11th Apr - Dillion Bday
17th Apr - Uncle Lam & Shawn Chia Bday
20th Apr - Cai Fa & Yuen Meng Bday
23rd Apr - Llukelly Bday
26th Apr - Elton Bday
 30th Apr - Jeremy Bday
1st May - Sheng Yang Bday
3rd May - Michael Bday
6th May - Edwin & Mabel Bday
11th May - Elvin Bday
16th May - Jiayi Bday
21st May - Suraj Bday
21st May - PAssion Run 2011
23rd May - Jun Hong Bday
24th May - Amelia Bday
28th May - Sundown Marathon 2011
1st Jun - Jamie Bday
3rd Jun - Mei Zi Bday
7th Jun - Uncle Chew Bday
8th Jun - Weng Hua Bday
10th Jun - Manru Bday
12th Jun - Pei Xuan & Wayne Lim Bday
14th Jun - Chee Kit Bday
15th Jun - Shun Qiang Bday
16th Jun - Reuben & CSM Bday
17th Jun - Yu Ching Bday
17th & 18th Jun - WSC Summer Camp 2011
29th Jun - Jia Yi & Yvonne Bday
3rd Jul - Hui Kee Bday
5th Jul - Kian Wei Bday
9th Jul - Lay Eng, Shi Kiat & Meng Yeow Bday
10th Jul - Nadia & Jie Sheng Bday
13th Jul - Kai Png Bday
25th Jul - Huiyu Bday
26th Jul - Elaine Bday
28th Jul - Li Ning & Hui Xiang Bday
31st Jul - Alina Bday
1st Aug - Wen Hao Bday
5th Aug - Darren Chia Bday
6th Aug - Hamtaro Bday
11th Aug - Josirlyn Bday
16th Aug - Shafiq Bday
19th Aug - Eugene Seah Bday
21st Aug - Qianbing Bday
22nd Aug - Lay Boon Bday
28th Aug - Evangeline Bday
29th Aug - Linda & Deborah Bday
31st Aug - Kai Bin & Sabrina Bday
1st Sep - Pearly Bday
3rd Sep - Hwee Lee Bday
4th Sep - Denny Bday
7th Sep - Mama Bday
13th Sep - Xi Xun Bday
19th Sep - Joseph Bday
21st Sep - Miao Hong Bday
25th Sep - Wei Min Bday
26th Sep - Jeffrey Bday
1st Oct - Christina Bday
4th Oct - Jia Yang Bday
6th Oct - Tee Tong Bday
14th Oct - Alwin & Chin Seng Bday
15th Oct - Carol & Cynthia Bday
16th Oct - Li Ting Bday
18th Oct - Karen Bday
25th Oct - Su Qi Bday
26th Oct - Wen Qian Bday
31st Oct - Nelson Tan Bday
1st Nov - Jeyshanker Bday
2nd Nov - Nasir Bday
3rd Nov - Shi Liang Bday
5th Nov - Mun Wei Bday
7th Nov - Shermain Bday
18th Nov - Raj Bday
23rd Nov - Chester Bday
25th Nov - Pik Xuan Bday
26th Nov - Zhen Yang & Ming Li Bday
26th Nov - ZY & ML's Wedding
27th Nov - Chun Yong Bday
28th Nov - Laopa Bday
30th Nov - Alton Bday
6th Dec - Qing Wei Bday
7th Dec - Mandy Bday
8th Dec - Melissa Tan Bday
9th Dec - Xi Ning Bday
13th Dec - Teng Siong Bday
17th Dec - Andrew Goh Bday
18th Dec - Nurul Bday
19th Dec - Kok Kiang & Darren Teng Bday
23rd Dec - Nicholas Teo & Clarene Bday
27th Dec - Yi Hao Bday
31st Dec - Last Day of 2011

links

a r o t a n c h u n l e o n g

his past

nov 07
dec 07
jan 08
feb 08
mar 08
apr 08
may 08
jun 08
jul 08
aug 08
sep 08
oct o8
nov o8
dec o8
jan o9
feb o9
mar o9
apr o9
may o9
jun o9
jul o9
aug o9
sep o9
oct o9
nov o9
dec o9
jan 1o
feb 1o
mar 1o
apr 1o
may 1o
jun 1o
jul 1o
aug 1o
sep 1o
oct 1o
nov 1o
dec 1o

~end~